(and people from Alabama)
issue date: January 1, 2004
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|Postal Worker Update|
|Newest Popeye Sighting|
|OUR 1 TRUE STORY|
Marlboro Sponsors Music Festival|
Music + Cancer = FUN!!! by Chris Olin
Marlboro is sponsoring the Marlboro Music Festival in Smokey Ridge, South Dakota. It might be North Dakota, but who really cares? Only Nebraska qualifies as a more flat and boring state, anyway. Although Jamie Lee Curtis is pretty flat and boring, too. Guests scheduled to appear are: Sean "Puffy" "P-Diddy" "P-uff-diddy" Combs, and his son "P-Diddy Mini-Diddy Bite-Size"; Snoop Dogg (to be surrounded by a cloud of smoke that probably isn't from Marlboro products...); and Ryan Adams (he doesn't have anything to do with smoking directly, but since he seems to hate all of mankind, he's all for people contributing to their own deaths). Explore this festival of death and music in this pointless article. You know you want to read it. What's stopping you? We both know you have no life whatsoever...I mean, you are reading The Moon. Even 2 year olds know how pointless these articles are. Well, go ahead..... Read article
Wal-Mart Changes Store Name to WTC
"White Trash Central fits our customer base."
by Daniel K. Bobloos
The discount retail chain formerly known as Wal-Mart has embarked on a mission to serve their customer base even better than before by changing their name to WTC. Store manager Carlos Rodriquez stated, "We wish to make sure the customers that are most prevalent in our stores are recognized by our store name. White Trash Central makes it perfectly clear who should shop here. Then again, most of our customers probably won't realize WTC is an acronym. Oh well, at least I can laugh at the fact that I am a minority managing a store full of white trash." Many customers that were interviewed didn't even notice the change due to the fact that they can't read. So, to make up for their inability, you should read the article
George Bush is President
But not the George Bush that You Would Think Washington, DC (CMUP)-
Yes, America, George Bush was elected President awhile ago. But the story doesn't end there. No, that's only what you laypeople believe. The Moon has uncovered evidence that the White House doesn't want you to know about. Yes, that's right, our worst fear has come true: current President Bush's dad is the one running the country. (Although I suppose our absolute worst fear might be that either Dan Quayle or Ross Perot was running our country, but I digress...) Where did we get this insider information, you ask? No, not from Dave Barry. No, it wasn't from Macaulay Culkin either. You really want to know? You'll just have to read the article, now won't you? Read article
Sesame Street Scandal Rocks Gay Community
Bert and Ernie found straight, others not... by Susie Nilppok
Oh, no! After years of covering up their true sexual identities, Bert and Ernie were found to be straight after a cameraman caught shocking footage of Ernie in New Orleans, LA. Producers for Sesame Street were scrambling to fix the mess this caused, when another huge scandal involving two other characters from the popular children's series exploded. As this is a Moon Exclusive, you will not be able to find information about these shocking Sesame Secrets anyplace else, so read the article.
Lutheran Camp Struck Down
'God is Catholic' Waupaca, WI (CMUP)-
A local Lutheran Camp was destroyed by a steady rain of what appeared to be fire from the hand of God herself. If I was sober, I could tell you the date, but I think it's currently 1968, so that could be tough to pull off. Many Lutheran children needlessly died, but it seems as if God had a distinct genocidal plan in place. Caution, readers may be caused to laugh painfully at this shameful article. Or try to sue us. Your pick. Read article
Pizza the Hutt Sues Restaurant Chain of Same Name
Self-Esteem suffering from name confusion by Susie Nilppok
Pizza the Hutt, a popular character from Spaceballs, is suing Pizza Hut the restaurant franchise, for copyright override infringement. The Copyright Override Infringement Act was recently passed by Congress per the request of Bill Gates who wanted to sue some more people to get capital for Windows 2002 (which I can tell you right now will SUCK even more than 2000 or 98). The Act allows proprietors that used a previously copyrighted trademark to sue for the right to the trademark itself to preempt the existing company's trademark. According to the law, a judge must rule which party in each suit stands to benefit most from use of the trademark. Pizza the Hutt maintains that because he was created as a parody of Jabba the Hutt using Pizza Hut, his self-esteem and self-identity are in crisis, as well as his sexual identity. "I can't even tell which sex I am because of all this gooey cheese." Read article
Jim Deshaies Actually Got 'One Damn Vote'
Failed in Bid for Hall of Fame Induction by B-Rent Imagodei
Jim Deshaies, a former pitcher for a bunch of teams, but mostly the Houston Astros and a bunch of AAA teams, actually got an eligible Hall of Fame voter to vote for him. His website that was dedicated to getting one lousy vote seemingly paid off. He holds a few obscure Major League records, but other than being brave enough to wear those Astros' uniforms of the 80's, nothing meriting Hall of Fame induction. Which is why he only got one vote, and it was from a writer in Houston. Shocking. Read article
All references on this page are made in complete jest and should not be taken seriously by any company or person that may be represented on this page in a satirical form, especially by the Oshkosh Northwestern. All stories and ads are completely fictitious, and should be taken only as a cheap laugh. So don't sue me. All material on this page is not available without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball.
If you can read this, you are both incredibally visually gifted and yet bored enough to spend your time reading really small type. Good for you. May your life be prosperous, and watch out for that guy behind you ready to stab you to death. Good day.