The MN

dedicated to entertaining the easily amused
(and people from New Jersey)
issue date: January 21, 2001
Popeye Sighting
Popeye at the Bar Popeye the Sailor Man was recently spotted at a nightclub, cavorting around with two known whores. Apparently he put back a few too many and wound up with the two women. An eyewitness heard Popeye yelling, "I don't needs me spinach, I just needs me biznitch!"

Olive Oyl, his best-known girlfriend, was greatly upset at the revelation. "This would explain the redness and itching I have had in my personal regions lately. That asshole. If I find him, I'm going to cut off his balls with a rusty gerbil."

After dry-humping the two women while someone was singing "Baby Got Back" at karaoke, Popeye was seen leaving and heading towards the NoQuestions Hotel next door. At this point, various stories conflict in terms of a timeline, but everyone agreed you could hear them having sex for about a one-mile radius. According to Amanda VanGoat, an eyewitness, "you could hear them screaming and panting like they were fucking right next to you. I've never heard people's voices carry that far. And then there was the orgasm. If I ever had one like that, I don't know if I'd still be alive."

Juanita Galica, the NoQuestions Hotel maid, told this reporter, "I have never cleaned up that much semen. It was everywhere - the walls, the TV screen, the floor. And you should have seen the beds. The mattresses were so soaked, we just threw them away. Though I must admit, it was very fragrant semen. It smelled so good, I just had to taste it. I'll tell you this, I have never tasted cum that good. And, trust me, I've swallowed my share. However, Popeye is no longer allowed in this establishment due to the damage he caused."

Hopefully, Popeye has learned his lesson, as his friends and family are not speaking to him. Popeye himself says, "Now is the time for healing. We must forgive, forget, and move on with our lives." Unfortunately he said this three days later while in bed with 4 prostitutes, one of which was a guy. Ick.

Back to front page