(and people from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood)
article date: March 10, 2001
Sesame Street has been shaken to its very core by the worst scandal to hit the nation in about the past week, give or take a few days. While on a vacation from the popular children's show, Ernie was found to be having sexual relations, not with Bert as most people believe goes on behind the scenes, but with Joy Perchatazke, a New Orleans woman. Ernie was not engaging in any illegal activity -- "she may be a prostitute by night, but she comes home to me for free," said Ernie.
Perchatazke told this reporter, "I fell in love with him from the moment he asked me to play with his REAL 'rubber ducky'! God, that is a great pickup line. You should see his rubber ducky too. It may not squeak, but it definitely shoots some fluid!"
Ernie went on, "We haven't been able to be legally married because we have been afraid of what the fallout would be from people finding out that Bert and I are not sexual partners. We just live together on the show, probably because some producer wanted to go out of his way to have a portion of the show relate to kids with homosexual tendencies. You know, to show it's okay to be 30 years old and living with a man. Hee hee hee..."
About the only bad thing that has come of his relationship with Perchatazke is the diseases. Ernie stated, "Since she is a whore, she comes home with things. I now have crabs, syphilis, and three forms of herpes. But no HIV yet baby!"
But even bigger than this is that Oscar the Grouch has climbed out of the garbage can, er, closet. He recently divulged to Ebony magazine that he is, in fact, homosexual. Oscar told them in an interview, "Elmo and I have been together for the past five years. Bert and Ernie have always been straight, but I'm the one that's had to put on a show since we started Sesame Street. I didn't want anyone to suspect anything, so that's where my grouchy attitude comes from. Why do you think I've always come off so masculine? I have to overcompensate for the fact that Elmo is an obvious flamer. I mean, when that Tickle Me Elmo thing came out, I just about died of embarrassment. I thought 'tickling Elmo' was my job, dammit!"
No one else from the show would comment, for fear of lawsuits from those characters involved. However, an anonymous source revealed that when the show first started, Oscar had a thing with Gordon, that bald black dude. When asked about the subject, Oscar stated, "Where did you get that from? God, that was like 30-some years ago. I needed to get a part on the show to get my career started. So I slept with him for awhile until I got popular enough that I could break it off with him without being fired. That and I had a thing for big bald guys at the time. Possibly because I'm covered with hair. That's why I made him shave himself bald -- everywhere, if you know what I mean. (followed by uncontrollable laughter)"
Sesame Street producers are hoping beyond hope that their show can survive the fallout from this scandal. Their biggest fear is that gay-fearing parents will no longer let their children watch their show anymore. But Sesame Street does have one new supporter. "If I had kids, I'd MAKE them watch that show, just to make sure they grow up gay," said Elton John.