dedicated to entertaining the easily amused (and people from Jamaica named Cleo) issue date: May 23, 2003
The Moon Horoscope
(March 21-April 19)- Scandalous things will be happening in your life. Divest yourself of new friends now, before the National Enquirer gets a picture of you in a compromising position with Carrot Top.
(April 20-May 20)- Because you are not driving a Ford Taurus like you should be, your car is going to spontaneously combust this week. While you're behind the wheel. And by spontaneously, we mean that you are going to crash into a telephone pole and blow up.
(May 21-June 21)- Hey! You're gonna get laid tonight! (by a goat)
(June 22-July 22)- Don't use cell phones, or stand near microwaves, or power lines. We wouldn't want you to get leukemia.
(July 23-August 22)- Avoid putting yourself in a situation where you are alone with Loreena Bobbitt. Unless you're a female, because we hear she swings that way now.
(August 23-September 22)- We thought you were going to die last time. Now, we're certain. Look out for that falling anvil. Oops, too late.
(September 23-October 23)- Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is for you. Because if you eat Velveeta, Chester the Cheetah is gonna come and beat ya with a young lolita named Rita.
(October 24-November 21)- Remember that rock band Scorpions? Sorry, couldn't resist. Actually, you are one of the lucky signs today - the only thing you have to worry about is that rash in a personal location getting worse. We hope the hemorrhoids go away soon, too.
(November 22-December 21)- Besides your sign being a good name for a rock band as well, you are in for a big surprise today. Your mother is a hermaphrodite. Sorry.
(December 22-January 19)- Retire! Retire while you can! Now is a good time to start planning your portfolio. We recommend sending a $5,000 check to The Moon to purchase stock options. (We at The Moon reserve the option to keep the money and spend it at strip clubs.)
(January 20-February 18)- Beware of children's librarians with dysfunctional cats.
(February 19-March 20)- Beware the Ides of March. And the March of Ides. And those Ants Marching. Damn Dave Matthews.