Shawn Roetzstearn, who somehow made it to his senior year at the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh, cannot seem to finish his assignment for a World Wide Web Site Development course. "I just can't handle the pressure. I don't know what to write it on. I barely understand HTML. And what the hell is Java? I thought Folgers made it," commented Roetzstearn shortly before breaking into uncontrollable sobs.

"I thought about doing a site on my favorite song, "Turning Japanese" by the Vapors, but then I realized 'how the hell do you do a webpage about a song?' So I turned my thoughts to love, but I figured putting a webpage together about myself and my wife Spot would make me look bad," said Roetzstearn. (Spot is a tamed Lebanese Attack Hamster.) "So now I'm just sitting here staring into my computer not knowing what to do. I wish I could get help from my professor, but I don't remember who she is!"

The incredibly sad part of this story is that I am in the same class, and I finished this page in basically a week. For the assignment, all we had to do was ONE page, and this website contains like over ten. I'm smart.

However, Oshkosh does have one thing to be afraid of. Roetzstearn says, "My grandfather and two uncles were U.S. Postal Workers. So when things go bad I have this tendency to snap, and it's not pretty. If I don't get this website turned in on time, Oshkosh may just get blown off the map by me and my giant Uzi that I inherited from Uncle Rich before he went to prison."

So if you ask me, I think we should all help out Roetzstearn. Email Shawn a Website so that we don't get blown up by Shawn and his Uzi. Thank you.