The MN

dedicated to entertaining the easily amused
(and people from Guatemala)
article date: March 10, 2001
Artists Drop Napster Lawsuit
"Dude, we were just f***ing with him."
by Daniel K. Bobloos

Goddamn Napster took my girlfriend.  Oh, wait, that was just Lars Ulrich in that commercialYep, that's right, the lawsuit against Napster filed by rock group Metallica and rapper Dr. Dre have been dropped. Why you ask? That seems to be the question on everyone's minds today. If only we had answers. Our best guess? They were sick of pissing off all the college kids?

In actuality, both Metallica and Dr. Dre collaborated on filing the lawsuit against Napster. "Dude, we were just f***ing with him," stated some guy from Metallica. (We'd know who, but nobody can even name anybody from Metallica except for that Lars a**hole) (Not that this author is bitter about losing his Napster privileges awhile ago for having all of ONE DAMN METALLICA song in his folder. Damn Enter Sandman...) (and now back to our story) "We heard about this pissant little company that was letting people share music without paying us for it. Not that we personally care about money since we're rolling in it, but we thought it would be fun to piss off that Shawn guy," stated another member of Metallica that has no talent. (I think that WAS Lars). "We had no idea that suddenly the major labels would wake up, see what was going on, and file a lawsuit themselves. Normally they're so far behind the trend, we figured they'd sue Napster by about 2157."

I'm sexy.  And rich.  THROW YOURSELF AT MY FEET.Shawn Fanning was astounded by the news, and celebrated by NOT spending the night in front of his computer screen working on code for Napster, but instead sitting in front of his computer screen looking at B-grade porn. Fanning stated, "I can't believe they just dropped it like that. It was like they were a Chicago Cubs outfielder or something. It makes things a little easier around here, but we do still have five record companies and the RIAA on our ass. But that's okay. If I'd have known I could have invented something that would cost nothing and allow virtually unlimited access to anyone, I would have said 'f*** music, I'm gonna get everyone free porn for life'."

According to Metallica and Dre, the entire cherade was just an elaborate ploy to deflect attention from themselves as aging musical artists and breathe new life into their careers by squashing Napster's aspirations like a bug. But now that they've started selling records again, according to Dr. Dre, they felt no need to continue with the lawsuit, "although we thought long and hard about trying to take Napster for everything they're worth. But we didn't want to come off like we were Anna Nicole Smith waiting for another old guy to die. That's not our style. We pissed off America, and now we can got on with our lives. Five years from now, we'll be able to tell our grandchildren that we pissed off an entire generation of America's youth. Now that's priceless. And I'm 'Still D.R.E.' baby."

We asked Dre's newest sensation, Eminem, what his feelings were on the subject, but we were told he was busy with some girl named Mary Jane, and that they'd have him call us back once he stopped stabbing his wife to death. So we had to settle for a comment from John Tesh, whose music sucks so bad you'd think it was sponsored by Hoover. "Napster? What's that? Sounds like a brand name for laundry detergent or something."

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