The Moon : Where News Sucks More Than That Chick Who Was With Hugh Grant

The M

dedicated to entertaining the easily amused
(and people from Waupaca)
article date: January 21, 2001

Lutheran Camp Struck Down
'God is Catholic' Waupaca, WI (CMUP)- A nameless Lutheran camp, located where else but upon scenic Pine Lake in central Wisconsin, was completely destroyed by fire and winds that were send down by God herself. According to several witnesses, God was pissed off at the Lutherans for failing to realize that God hates them. The surprising part of this story

Lakeside cross before decimation

is that normally it's the Catholic people in the world that think God hates them. Lutherans, on the other hand, apparently did not foresee the fact that their religion totally pisses off God because God hates Martin Luther for that whole nailing protests on the church door thing. (You'd think after a thousand years and then some, God would get over it.)

As for why She suddenly decided to rain fire upon a Lutheran camp where many children happily spend their summers, God's only comment to this reporter was, "I am the Alpha and the Omega. And if you ask me that again, I will kill you like I did Dahmer." After quickly running away, God also yelled, "You can't run away from me either, you moron! I'm everywhere! Isn't it ironic? Don'tcha think? It's like RAAAAAIAAAAAAAAAAN....."

Matt Damon, star of the movie Dogma, just happened to be on the scene. "As God's Angel of Death, I believed it was my responsibility to carry out his wishes. Everyone knows God is Catholic - hell even Chris Rock admits it. The only reason he (Rock) is still alive is that God gets a kick out of watching those bumbling Baptists worship him. Lutherans look like they're attending a funeral. So he finally just snapped and decided their children must die. You know, about 100 of them. As a message to stop their Lutheran crap."

Numerous surviving campers were contacted, but as soon as their parents found out they were talking to a reporter, they sacrificed their Lutheran brethren by
This picture is really just a dramatization of a camper being found dead by a tree. Sorry for any confusion - we're too cheap to afford a photostaff.
Unknown camper found dead by tree
slicing off their heads and spilling goat's blood on the corpses. After about 350 contacts, I realized that maybe I should stop calling innocent children. Not sure, I kept going for about another 100 to see if their parents would kill them too. Sure enough, 450 dead kids. Whoop - my bad.

Although the camp was burnt to the ground and will be unusable for the forseeable future (a few millennia or so), camp director Nickel Satansin plans to reopen the site "as a place for those Luth... er... Catholic children to come play and worship the Lord!". Asked about her last name, she said it had something to do with her mother being forced to sell her soul to someone. Right as she was about to disclose who her mother's soul was sold to, she was hit by a stray skateboarder. She suffered minimal injuries, but was pretty much screwed when the Stealth Bomber crash landed on her head. So I guess we'll never know the origin of 'Satansin', but we do know that the camp has burned to the ground and 550 kids died because of God's desire for ethnic cleansing. In all of this, there can be only one question on everyone's minds. What can we do with 550 corpses?

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