The MN

dedicated to entertaining the easily amused
(and people from Weyauwega)
issue date: March 10, 2001
The Moon's Dear Dumbass
If YOU have a question for our advice columnist that you desperately need an answer for, ask Dear Dumbass.


Dear Dumbass,
I have recently developed a very unnatural fear of cats. What do you suggest I do to remedy this problem? -Dave Peck Minneapolis, MN

Dear Dumbass Dave,
Go out, buy yourself a handgun with lots of ammo, and every time you see a cat, blow it's cute little brains out of its skull.


Dear Dumbass,
I have also recently developed a very unnatural fear of John Tesh. What do you suggest I do to remedy this problem? -Dave Peck Minneapolis, MN

Dear Dumbass Dave,
Go out, buy yourself a handgun with lots of ammo, and every time you see John Tesh, blow his brains out of his skull. You'd be doing America a favor.


Dear Dumbass,
I have a problem. For the last forty years, I can't stop myself from cleaning my house non-stop, making cute little doilies, spending any excess time in the kitchen making really bad food, and talking like I'm somewhat British. Can you help me fix my life? -Craig Stewart U.S.A.

Dear Dumbass 'Craig',
YOU CANNOT FOOL DEAR DUMBASS! NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY! YOU are NOT Craig Steart, no, no! YOU are none other than that evil MARTHA STEWART. You wish to remedy the crap you make America listen to? Have someone that you trust put you in a straightjacket, lock you in a padded room, and watch you until you DIE. DIE MARTHA DIE!!!!!!!!


Dear Dumbass,
What do you do with insolent golf balls that fly throw mini-putt office windows, causing damage for the first time in 27 years? -Bad Aim Illinois

Dear Dumbass 'Bad Aim',
YOU CANNOT FOOL DEAR DUMBASS! NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY! YOU are from ILLINOIS!! Due to the fact that you are from Illinois, you should know better than to go mini-golfing in the first place. As for the 'insolent' golf balls, it's not their fault that someone has bad enough aim to chop a mini-golf ball into the air and break a window. You should apologize to that golf ball, the owner of the mini-golf course, whoever else was with you, whoever else happened to be there, and above all, to every person on Earth because YOU are from ILLINOIS!




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